I don’t know why, but I’m having terrible PMS. Yes, I do know why. The weather is changing, I’m not exercising, I’m probably gaining weight. All things that helped in the past. But I kept crying last night, woke up crying this morning, and am crying again tonight.
Why? Cause I’m a grumpy, whiney, sourpuss.
I talked to my Rabbi this afternoon which helped to relieve me of a source of angst–the dreaded shul kitchen incident. We’re meeting before services on Friday night to talk about “what next” as far as my conversion. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that he says, “Get thee to a mikvah, you are hereby ready to be a jew.” But I don’t think he will, it’s only been 8 months (if you know, you’re counting.)
Ronnie apologized for the blow-offs of late, but that doesn’t change things. I miss him a ridiculous amount and just remember last summer, when Ryan and I took our friendship down a notch or ten. I have three very close friends in the city and he’s one–so his recent disappearing act has been really hard on me. To go from a priority to not even a concern. Yuck. That makes me cry more than kitchen incident.
But then I realize what a whiney baby I’m being. Is Chicago flooding right now? Nope. Am I at my father’s funeral like my friend Emrys? Nope. Battling cancer? Nope. Battling exhaustion because my baby won’t sleep through the night? Nope.
Just taking one friend’s silence to mean he wants me out of his life, when it means, “I’m busy.” Just taking one comment to mean, “Everyone at this shul hates you and wish you’d go somewhere else.”
Sometimes I can be a little irrational, but I recognize it, cry about it, and then make some angel hair pasta. To eat with my leftover chicken from the drumstick cooking bonanza I had last night.
I do have three new books to read–Finding God at Harvard, Someone to Run With, and The Days of Awe. All jewish studies books at some level–an orthodox jew at the Div School of Harvard, an israeli novel, and a book about the Days of Awe. Good thing, cause they are in about a month and I have no idea what to expect–other than I’ll be hungry on Yom Kippur and alone on Rosh Hoshanah instead of with my jewish family. Since I don’t have one yet. But there will be circle challah, that there will be.