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  • Writer's pictureLeah Jones

Odd sensation–guilt.

Tonight I went and looked at the Condo of Lust for the second time. I like it more and more every minute. Just to be fair, we looked at another condo. Just two blocks further north and the same price.

Oy. It had so much more space, wow. But it wasn’t in great shape. And when I say that, I mean my current apartment is in better shape. The light plates had all been painted over for 20 years, the windows were old, the closet doors were metal and weird, the kitchen was small and awkward. But the space was nice and probably 150 more square feet. It was also carpeted–which I’m not a fan of.

So then I felt a pang of guilt. How can I feel I need/want/deserve the nicer condo? This would be just fine! This is beyond fine for most of the fucking country, how is this not good enough for you Miss Princess? When did you become so high and mighty that you mind painted over light plates and a little water damage behind the toilet? When did you become so wonderful that you need more counterspace or a microwave oven?

It felt like an R.D.s apartment, like being in college housing, and I didn’t like that feeling. I want a nice place, somewhere I can be proud of. If it is going to be a fixer upper, shouldn’t it be a house or at least a kick-ass graystone from 100 years ago? Not a shabby 55 year old building.

My parents and friends I called tonight gave me permission to want the nicer (but smaller) condo. It is okay to want to buy something nice, even if most of the world lives in poverty. God wants us to enjoy the good food we are offered, not to live on water and bread. Because if the rich man lives on water and bread, he’ll think the poor man should be fine with stones.

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