There are certain emotions that catch me off gaurd. Anger–because I have a long fuse. Sudden tears–I’m used to an occasional case of the blues, but when I’m not feeling blue and I cry, it is a little surprise. And jealousy.
Not envy. Mr. Allen, my high school english teacher, made sure I learned the difference. Envy is wanting what somebody has; jealousy is fear of losing what you do have to someone else.
Tonight jealousy attacked me in the taxi on my way home from work at 11:40 PM. Why? Because not only did I not get to celebrate Ronnie’s birthday with him last night, he celebrated with other friends. He is Mr. Social Butterfly and knows a bajillion people, give or take. He has distinct social circles and instead of uniting them (like I do) he keeps seperate engagements among each group. I know that. And still, I was jealous.
Why on earth should I be jealous? I have class every Tuesday, a non-negotiable which he knows. I had friends in town. I can’t afford to eat at the restaurant they went to and I don’t know the friends he went with.
Without cause. He’s not less my friend because I wasn’t there. I gave him his present a month ago, cause I am also impatient. And we’re going to a movie for his birthday tomorrow (which we might have done regardless, except that there are other people coming.)
Maybe if I’d lost fewer friends over the years, I wouldn’t be so afraid of losing him. Maybe it is simply because I’d been at work for over 12 hours by the time we’d talked. Excuses, excuses. I remain jealous and every time, it catches me off-guard.